TRIGGER WARNING: This story mentions suicide ideation that some may find distressing. Reader discretion is advised. If you have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, do reach out for help.
It’s hard to fathom how close I was to attempting suicide. Not just my own life, but I even considered ending my children’s lives before I took mine.
“Till death do us part” was how I wanted to end the marriage, to end the pain, and to end it all.
My husband Eric and I got married very young in the Philippines. Although we faced many struggles as young parents, we managed to overcome them through working hard.
We moved to Singapore for better prospects, but we never expected our marriage to face its toughest test. Debts piled up from the high costs of living, and our relationship began to strain.
I worked multiple night shifts to provide for our family, leaving little time at home. In my absence, Eric had an affair.
The betrayal shattered me. Rage was my first instinct. How was this justifiable? Even if I was busy at work, it was for the family.
In anger, I filed for annulment in the Philippines. Thoughts of “life is no longer worth living” kept resounding in my head. I even thought of taking my children’s lives!
How could I let them live with a man who has betrayed us! Deep down, I knew these thoughts were wrong, but my heart was so wrung.
Broken and betrayed, I poured out my pain on social media. That was when Pastor Bob and Pastor Alvin reached out to me.
Before this crisis, Eric and I had a shallow faith. We were contented Sunday Christians. But when our marriage crumbled, God sent pastors to walk with us.
They were spiritual fathers who relentlessly guided us toward healing and a deeper walk with God.
They arranged for us to go through marriage counselling. Pastor Bob taught Eric to court me again, while Pastor Alvin consistently prayed for me and encouraged me to forgive.
The restoration of our marriage seemed foolish. Suicidal thoughts persisted.
Many nights, I wrestled in agony, crying out to God to forgive me of my dark thoughts.
Yet every morning, my phone revealed the countless missed calls from Pastor Bob, who never gave up on us.
I clung to my grief, refusing to forgive him. Why should I? Bitterness festered like poison, and my anger led me to believe he was undeserving of even a drop of forgiveness.
I removed my wedding ring and confiscated Eric’s. He had no right to wear it. I had planned to sell them, to erase all memories, but the rings went missing, and my plan failed.
Harbouring that grudge deepened my turmoil.
As a child of God, I knew I should forgive, but living it out felt impossible.
I tried every way to forgive Eric, even chopping cabbages until they were mashed to release my anger.
Weary, I asked God for signs to forgive my husband: first, that our wedding rings would be found; and second, that Eric would have a renewed relationship with the Lord.
The second sign came quickly. Eric became more serious about his faith. He grew in the fear of the Lord, and this assured me that he would not repeat his mistake.
The first sign unfolded like a miracle. During a service, the speaker gave an altar call for families, and I felt nudged to step forward with Eric, but the rings were still missing!
Tearing, I reached into my bag for a tissue. My fingers brushed something hard and cold. The missing wedding rings! Tucked inside the very packet of tissue I had carried daily, unseen and unfound, until this exact moment.
I was speechless.
God had timed this perfectly. Gazing at the rings on my palm, I whispered, “Lord, I surrender.”
As we walked to the front, I silently told God that if Ps Bob prayed for us, I would give him the rings. When he approached near the end of the altar call, I surrendered them and said,
“Pastor Bob, today is the day I forgive my husband. Will you pray for us and bless our marriage again?”
Tears streamed as Pastor Bob prayed, recommitting our marriage into God’s hands. At the altar, we exchanged our wedding rings once again.
It had taken us four long years. I realised that while Eric bore responsibility for his choices, I had unintentionally contributed to the distance in our marriage. The enemy simply seized the opportunity to steal, kill, and destroy.
Today, there is no unforgiveness in my heart toward Eric or the third party. When she faced a crisis, I was the first to help her, pray for her, and even hug her, without resentment.
Beyond the emotional restoration, God restored us financially and spiritually. He placed different people in our lives to teach us how to overcome our debts and manage our finances properly. As Joel 2:25 says “I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten”.
In addition to this threefold restoration, God gave us a calling. Eric and I pursued our Bachelor of Theology and now serve as ministers in the Filipino Ministry, enjoying a vibrant relationship with Jesus and the privilege to serve Him!
God has blessed our children with stable jobs and bright futures. What the enemy meant for destruction, God turned for good (see Genesis 50:20), displaying His power and unfailing love.
Today, I am a testimony of God’s ability to heal all wounds. He restored my heart, our family, and gave us a future overflowing with hope!
Everyone makes mistakes in life, but who am I to withhold forgiveness if God has already forgiven us all.
If you are struggling to forgive someone, would you allow Jesus to heal you today?
