TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide, self-harm
“What’s the point of living when all I’m encountering are dead ends and never-ending challenges?
My name is Lydia, and I’m 30 this year.
Coaching is my passion, and I believe it stems from everything I’ve been through in life.
Growing up, my parents worked tirelessly to provide for the family. Everything my siblings and I needed, they gave to us. Because of that, I grew up believing that if I ever wanted to achieve anything in life, I could do it through my own efforts.
In secondary school, I began seeking the approval and attention of others. My teachers and teammates became the markers of my worth.
I realized that I could earn their respect through achievements. Success became my source of validation. Each validation felt almost like love.
Because of this experience, I developed a core belief: “Do well, be useful, and you will be worthy of love.”
“Do well, be useful, and you will be worthy of love.”
Yet, little did I know that this seemingly simple belief would eventually lead me down a path of self-destruction, since this belief left no room for failure.
I lived life as a teenage girl constantly gripped by the fear of losing my sense of self and self-worth. In class, I pretended to understand everything the teacher was saying because I didn’t want to look foolish.
Before races, I was so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that I’d put on my shades so no one could see my eyes. I’d cry my way to the start line while everyone else on the shore assumed I was destined to win.
At home, I portrayed myself as the independent child who had everything under control. Since my worth and identity were tied to my achievements and how I believed others perceived me, failure was not an option. Failure would mean becoming a nobody.
When I embraced this belief, my academic results became the be-all and end-all of my existence.
In Junior College, I enrolled via the Direct School Admission (DSA) program through my sport, kayaking. I was constantly surrounded by students who excelled both in sports and academics.
Trying to keep up with them as well as the demands of the national team was exhausting. I buried myself in 11 to 12 training sessions each week. This became my escape from the pain and disappointment of my studies.
Before I knew it, I burned out, and it affected my kayaking performance. I failed to make the cut for the 2011 SEA Games — just one second off.
Unable to process my emotions, I started harming myself. I was trying to numb the pain, but it only deepened my despair. I spiraled so badly that suicidal thoughts consumed me 24/7.
These thoughts eventually drove me to make an attempt on my life. I reached a point of unbearable pain and asked myself, “What’s the point of living when all I’m encountering are dead ends and never-ending challenges? Death seems so much easier.”
“What’s the point of living when all I’m encountering are dead ends and never-ending challenges? Death seems so much easier.”
I attempted to overdose on pure caffeine powder, hoping it would end my life along with the pain.
Yet miraculously, I survived. I woke up in the hospital and saw my parents’ faces filled with heartbreak and misery. Their pain hurt me more deeply than I could have imagined. In that moment, I realized two things:
- We don’t get to choose when we leave this world. If it’s not our time and we attempt to go, we’re only left to suffer the consequences of our actions.
- I vowed never to do something so impulsive again. If I were to die by suicide, I’d be gone, but my family and friends would be the ones left to suffer.
But knowing these didn’t make the depression go away. I still held on to the false belief that I needed to earn the approval of others, and this belief kept me in darkness. I couldn’t break free. All I could do was try my best to hold on.
Some years later, after graduating from Junior College (JC), a few old friends reached out to me and offered to walk with me.
One friend in particular told me, “I feel it in my heart that God wants me to bring you back.” Another friend asked, “Since you’ve tried everything else, why not give God one more chance?”
I had previously attended church regularly during my JC years after being invited by some friends. But at that time, I didn’t consider myself a Christian. God was simply an item on my calendar. With nothing to lose, I decided to give God one more shot.
With nothing to lose, I decided to give God one more shot.
These precious friends walked with me, prayed with me, and patiently answered every single question I had. I knew that whatever they did for me was more than just words.
I felt so deeply cared for. Through them, I experienced God’s unconditional love. It was this love that helped me keep fighting through recurrent depressive episodes.
All seemed well until an event in December 2022 left me in deep depression. I had a fallout with someone very close to me, and it completely shattered me.
Within the span of two months, I attempted to take my life three times by jumping off a HDB* flat. The pain was so unbearable that I’d forgotten the vow I’d made. I just wanted the pain to end.
*HDB – Housing and Development Board (HDB) is the national public housing authority of Singapore that houses approximately 77.8% of Singaporeans (Source: Singstat 2023).
But then something unexpected happened on the third occasion. I stood on the 40th floor, looking toward the horizon one last time. Then I heard a voice — God’s voice. I was ready to jump, so I knew it couldn’t have been my own voice. The voice said:
“Child, I know what you’re thinking. Honestly, there’s no one to stop you right now. But you will have to face the consequences of your actions. Your family, your friends — think about them again.
Think about what they went through in 2015. Is that what you want them to experience for the rest of their lives? You’ve tried so long and hard.
If you jump now, I can’t use your life to show others that there’s hope in living. I know it’s hard, but can you give yourself one more chance? Trust me, I will help you.”
With that, I decided to entrust my life to God. I stepped away from the ledge in tears before I could change my mind. I took the lift down, ran to my bike, and called Pastor Daphne.
She picked up right away. Like before, she stayed with me on the phone for as long as I needed. She listened as I cried. She prayed as I cried. She stayed calm.
I choked on my words, telling her I couldn’t do this anymore, that I wanted to die. But she kept telling me it was okay, that God was in control, and that she was with me. She reminded me over and over how much God loves me.
If God hadn’t sent someone like Pastor Daphne into my life, I wouldn’t be here sharing my story today. This incident made me realize how closely I’d walked with death.
This incident made me realize how closely I’d walked with death.
I knew that God would help me, but I also had to help myself. So I made a pact with myself:
- Suicide will no longer be my first option. If I’m struggling, I will seek help. I’ll call or text my friends, or anyone God has placed in my life.
- I will live through the darkest night. If I’m unable to help myself, that’s okay. But I will not harm myself. I’ll stay in bed until I’m ready to move around without harming myself.
This pact marked the beginning of my healing. I sought therapy and inner healing courses to process my pain.
Community played a key role in my healing too. When I went to Eternal Life Assembly, God brought me into a new community called the Sycamore Life Group.
They are filled with crazy, fun-loving people who are always full of joy and laughter. They provided me with continuous prayer support, and people like Ps Daphne, Mei Yun, and Ying Ting continually journeyed with me and prayed for me through my ups and downs.
Through this journey, I’ve come to know God as the builder of my life. He’s the one who takes away the old parts of the house — the destructive patterns and harmful thoughts that dictated my life — patterns I thought would never go away. Over time, these thoughts grew smaller and became more under control.
He’s the one who takes away the old parts of the house — the destructive patterns and harmful thoughts that dictated my life — patterns I thought would never go away.
Not only that, but God also continues to add new bricks to my house. Day by day, He adds these bricks by speaking to me whenever I read the Bible, pray, or listen to worship songs. He tells me that He loves me very, very much — unconditionally.
Believing in God doesn’t take away all my problems and pain. But believing in God gives me the courage and the strength to face them. In the midst of my suffering and pain, I know God is here with me.
Believing in God doesn’t take away all my problems and pain. But believing in God gives me the courage and the strength to face them. In the midst of my suffering and pain, I know God is here with me.
In the past, whenever I thought about my future, I would be filled with suicidal thoughts and fear. But now, because I know He is with me, I can have hope for the future.
Life is not perfect. I still have moments when my suicidal thoughts return, and that’s okay. I know I’m still a work in progress, and God is still building this new house.
I used to despise having to manage the challenges of borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, and ADHD. But now, they have become a part of me. They serve as a testament to the grace that God gives me to live each day.
Friends, if you’re having a tough time, I want to encourage you: Stay alive. Every single day that we live is a gift from God. No matter how hopeless things seem today, they will not be the same tomorrow.
So, back to the question that I’ve always asked myself: What’s the point of living when life is filled with dead ends and never-ending challenges?
This is my answer: I live for the One who created me, and I depend on the One who loves me.
I live for the One who created me, and I depend on the One who loves me.
Death may seem like a much easier choice, but death will not end the pain. Death will only transfer the pain to our loved ones.
So fight on. Fight to live on. Use all your energy to cling to God. His love will never fail us. He will not guarantee that our life will be without pain and suffering, but He will definitely be with us every step of the way, through our highs and lows.
So rely on the people around you. Together, you will be able to see that there is purpose, and there is hope, even in your suffering.
